An Englishman in New England

New Site, Whaaaat?

2005-03-07T13:22:00.000-05:00

That's right folks. Fans of the visual arts can head over to Where's My Parade? to gorge yourselves on the bloated nipple of my artistic creativity. Make haste, before it bursts!

2004-12-26T21:39:00.000-05:00

This, my first American Christmas season, has without a shadow of a doubt been the most materialistic, gluttonous, indulgent, deceitful, prozac-induced, commercial, forced, colorful, plastic, spoilt, exuberant, paganistic, delusional, raw, contrasted, conflicted, memorable, orchestrated, amorphous, hip-hop, pre-pubescent, glorious, conquestuous, stupendous, orgiastic, politically-correct,

It's Family Movie Time!

2004-12-03T16:44:00.000-05:00

The real 'Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events Culminating In A Shit Lasagne' Classic.

Stalled Negotiations

2004-12-02T14:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Person Who Designed Every Public Toilet Stall In The Western World, You unspeakable fuck. Don't laugh, I mean it - you are a Fuck. Your handiwork is among the most critical and visible on the face of the planet - everyone has at least once in their lifetime been surrounded by it, stared at it, and in some instances even ingeniously written their nemesis

People in Knead

2004-12-01T14:10:00.000-05:00

My darling M, If you are reading this, I thank the gods that my communique has made it through the blockade. As you may have heard in the latest news telegrams from the front, the armed uprising against Finagle-A-Bagel hasn't quite gone according to plan. Three months in and I can see the strain, I see the look of defeat in my men's eyes. They know it as well as I, yet it is I who is denied the

Kiss The Rings, Bitch!

2004-08-20T10:35:00.000-05:00

Above is the new life motto, used frequently (and accidentally in a very public manner at work today, bringing the Englishman's HR points up by 1; only 5 more till 'involuntary retirement'!), an unabashed plagiarism of that comedic genius, Dave Chappelle. It takes a lot of skill to find a word that has lost its' offensive punch, and polish, revitalise and carve out a new place for it in civil

Horny Feelings

2004-08-11T13:38:00.000-05:00

Hi I know, I know. I haven't called. I didn't write. We had a fantastic time together - don't scoff, I really mean it - we had a fantastic time together and then, I just, just disappeared. It must have looked like I didn't care, or that what we shared meant nothing to me. That's so far from the truth. You see, I was ashamed. No, no, let me finish, I have to tell you this. I was ashamed of the

Good Vibrations

2004-07-30T11:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Verizon Can you hear me now? Good! A word, if you please. Actually several hundred. You see, my litte phone thingy isn't quite up to snuff. Sure, it's got the nice color screen, the sleek, slim, silvery, thou-art-coveting-thy-neighbor's-wifey design. It has the polyphonic ringtones, the text-messaging, the nationwide coverage. It is almost complete. There's a word. Almost. For you see,

Perks of the job

2004-07-16T10:41:00.000-05:00

There are precisely 1,138 government-subsidized benefits extended to people who are married. Here are a few I think should be added to make it a nice, round 1,147, and to promote harmony and sanity in an endeavour which can, at times, be anything but: ~ The option to engage in a pistol-duel at dawn to settle marital disputes - You know she's quick on the draw, and has a deadly aim. . .do you

The Fat Red Line

2004-07-07T08:04:00.000-05:00

There are times in life when you have to strike a delicate balance between two very tempting extremes. Killing, is a good example. For you see, son, if you strangle several people in 1970's Boston, people will label you as a murderer, a mere serial killer. Vaporize 2 million with the power of the atom, however, and you earn the title 'Conqueror'. But you gotta know when to slow down: If you

Insurance Policy

2004-06-29T17:13:00.000-05:00

Once, when I was very young, I was watching my mother pack my little suitcase - we were going on holiday for a whole week. Now way back then, one week consisted of precisely seven days. So why, I asked her, was she packing 14 pairs of underwear? She looked at me, in the infinite wisdom that mothers have, and said simply "For accidents". It struck me recently that I have been packing 'for

As Promised: An Interview With My Cat

2004-06-29T13:15:00.000-05:00

How rude of me not to introduce you all to my newest family member. I do apologise, and hope to make it up to you with an in-depth profile of someone I wait upon hand and foot, and whose shit and piss I clean up every day, yet am still fond of. Her. . .I'm fond of her, not her shit and piss. AEINE: Penny, thanks so much for taking time out of your hefty schedule of licking your anus, and

We who are about to die, salute you!

2004-06-17T17:24:00.000-05:00

Feeling uncharacteristically democratic, I am, yes, mmm. Below cower the seedlings of two separate posts. See how they tremble! For you see, they both know that one shall live, be completed, and go on to join its worthy brethren in the blog-valhalla known as An Englishman in New England, living out its days eating ripe meat off the bone and drinking malt beer from neverending flagons. They also

An homage to the Discworld

2004-06-10T13:34:00.000-05:00

Bob Gumby: "But it's not my time! I wasn't supposed to go like this!" Death: "ALL OF YOU HUMANS ENTER LIFE SCREAMING, NAKED AND COVERED IN THE BLOOD OF ANOTHER. WHY SHOULD YOUR EXIT FROM IT BE ANY DIFFERENT?"

"Hi, I'm the end of your rope - pleased to meet you!"

2004-06-08T11:38:00.000-05:00

This househusband thing is getting real old. Like hip-replacement old. Old like those giant sequoia trees that were reaching for the sky when Jesus was doing his holy thang. Yeah, like that. When I started this little hiatus from the office, I was kind of excited about not having to work, and instead enjoying a lifestyle that comprised of sitting on the couch consuming mucho potato chips,

10 Things I Do When I'm Trying To Get Laid

2004-06-07T09:39:00.000-05:00

A heads-up for any would-be additions to The Englishman's harem: 1. Tidy up: Apparently, nothing kills the female libido faster than my scraggy withered underwear lying in a heap within line of sight. 2. Tidy up more: Because being in possession of a penis and the ability to really clean are as mutually exclusive as an asshole and an elbow (it's either one or the other). 3. Pluck my

"Damn you, meddling mutants!"

2004-06-05T09:20:00.000-05:00

Some of you may remember my little rant about gay rights and their need for corporate backing to put an end to this gay marriage hoo-ha. If you don't, you can refresh your memory here. It turns out, that corporate backing may actually already exist for the cause of gay marriage. Dare I say it, but in this instance, corporations' complete lack of loyalty to nations and governments may actually

Philosophical Tidbit of the Day

2004-05-28T08:59:00.000-05:00

What goes around. . .will fuck you up, motherfucker!

Liquored-Up & Lookin' Fer Pussy

2004-05-26T11:41:00.000-05:00

Bouncers and bartenders of the U.S. rejoice! I am now in possession of a state liquor license. No longer will you have to strain your eyes to percieve the fast-fading similarities between the buck-toothed, crater-faced, four-eyed Gollum look-alike (circa 1995) in my passport, and the tan, handsome, chiseled Adonis you see before you seeking admission/beverages, while sheepishly apologizing for

Archae-folly-gy

2004-05-26T07:23:00.000-05:00

Archaeology only tells us part of the story. No matter what great bone discovery or beard-stroking hypothesis is formulated in the belly of some great academic institution or other, some things are lost forever to the march of time. Some, however, are impervious to the decay of time and manage to outlive their creators. The following is a list of things by which mankind shall be judged long

A Diamond In The Fluff

2004-05-25T11:45:00.000-05:00

95% of the cumulative total of sitcom material is vapid drivel. Watching more than 90 minutes' worth makes me feel like if I were to move my head too vigorously from one side to the other, the thick gruel-like substance that used to be my brain will come pouring out of my ears in a truly unholy scene. Occasionally, though, one can happen upon valuable philosophical nuggets: "Son, if you ain't

Boundless Optimism

2004-05-19T12:51:00.000-05:00

When the Consumers consume Everything consumable, All we had was presumed, All that's gone is innumerable. When the Consumers consume Best be fast runners, 'Cause when there's nothing to eat, We'll all eat each other.

Error 404 - Bile Not Found

2004-05-18T08:44:00.000-05:00

Please excuse our appearance as we renovate this attraction to maximise your willingness to fork over your hard-earned shekels, while minimizing our chances of being on the recieving end of a lawsuit. We apologize for any convenience you thought you might experience.

Shock, Terror As Orphans Go On Downtown Rampage!

2004-05-17T15:49:00.000-05:00

Tsk tsk, just typical isn't it? Personally, I blame the parents.

Boors Lite

2004-05-15T23:24:00.000-05:00

As an afterthought, and in keeping with the fantasy theme of late, perhaps that last post's title should have been "The Chronicles of Fnarnia". I crack myself up. What the fuck are you lookin' at?

The Jack Lemmon Effect

2004-05-15T22:39:00.000-05:00

I admit it, I confess. I'm a grumpy ole git. I'm a bit snobbishly fnar at this year's bumper crop of fresh-faced graduates. Almost everywhere I look, I see them hugging and kissing dear friends/soulmates/casual sexual partners goodbye over celebration drinks (I'm keeping an eye on my closet - there shall be no fornication there without my permission/involvement and videotaping). No, I'm not

The Lion, the Witch, and her incredible rack

2004-05-14T09:24:00.000-05:00

I've found my artistic hero, and his name is Robert Poulse- sorry, James Ryman Unbelievable character designs, lots of imagination and definitely inspiring. Watch out for the shedloads of boobies, though - avert thine eyes, sinner!

The Office and David Carradine

2004-05-10T07:56:00.000-05:00

"Nothing kills a blog faster than full-time employment" ~ gapingvoid With all due respect, Hugh, I'd like to completely and totally disagree with you. In my recent experience, nothing kills a blog faster than not being employed full-time, being surrounded by the white noise of a colleague on the phone, being surrounded by cornflower-blue cubicle walls. Nothing kills a blog faster than not

Sun on my back, stars in their eyes

2004-05-07T10:48:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine described it perfectly: "Today is one of those days when everyone looks beautiful"

Mickey Moore

2004-05-05T08:15:00.000-05:00

I like to categorise myself as an optimist with a healthy sense of cynicism. Or a cynic with a ray of optimism about him, (either way, I'm a damn good lay, but that's besides the point). So when I come across Disney executives spouting lines like the following, the cynic in me has to chuckle until my nuts shake, while the optimist in me hopes that this particular individual's ticket number for

Urkel's Calling

2004-05-04T07:59:00.000-05:00

Being stuck in pseudo-unemployment land (population: me, and declining rapidly) does have its perks. I'm not just referring to the sleeping in, pottering about in my sleeping shorts/whatever beastly leather thing M has made me wear the previous night, or catching up on the latest Passions saga. I've had the chance to really sit down, excuse myself from the daily grind of money-earning, and think

Wookie Nookie

2004-05-04T07:40:00.000-05:00

I am at war with my own face. No, that's a bit harsh - rather, we've ceased diplomatic relations, and it's just a matter of days before troops hit the ground, and CNN reporters flock in in droves. I have ingrown hairs so bad, if you were to capture me, slit me open from chin to chopper and turned my skin inside out, you'd find out where Chewbacca has been hiding all these years.

2004-04-29T17:21:00.000-05:00

I think that equality for same-sex couples can easily be achieved, if GLBT groups take a lesson from the civil rights movement of the 60’s, in that the hand of lawmakers was and is gripped by economic and corporate forces. Sounds cynical, to be sure, and I’d be quick to say that giants such as Martin Luther King definitely advanced the cause and more than deserve their places in history. However,

A Wee Turtle's Head

2004-04-29T07:55:00.000-05:00

Messages come to us in the strangest of ways. They float through the ether, searching for the right medium to be recieved, and always seem to arrive at just the right time. Flicking on to just the right bit of dialogue on TV, a book falling open to just the right part of the right chapter, overhearing the right part of a conversation on the train - most of what we encounter in these situations is

2004-04-25T16:56:00.000-05:00

Earth Day? Well of course I remember what it used to be like. Compared to the Earth Days of yore, this one was a bit of a damp squib. Yes, kids, I remember the good ol' Earth Days, when we'd celebrate by building a roaring bonfire, made up of as many old tires, refridgerator coils and CFC-laden spraycans as possible. Mother would spend all day roasting stacks of hormone-grown 3lb steaks, and

Pass me the tourniquet, I need another hit

2004-04-21T10:13:00.000-05:00

Dear Sega, VX poison gas. DDT. The atomic bomb. Rosie O'Donell. The history of mankind is littered with mistakes that we fervently wish we could take back. And yet even with the benefit of hindsight, we continue to repeat the sins of our fathers with a seemingly endless supply of innovation and God be damned if we're going to think of the consequences. I am deeply disappointed that you, Sega

Marathon Man

2004-04-20T07:23:00.000-05:00

As the exhausted runners dragged their chapped asses across the finish line here in the 87 degree heat, I couldn't help but ruminate on the similarities of their physical trial to my mental one, which coincidentally started yesterday. No, my brain has never had diarrhoea on the go, nor have I ever had to put intellectual vaseline on my mental nipples. This is something different. Officially,

Most Excellent

2004-04-16T19:04:00.000-05:00

Uma Thurman is back in Quentin Tarantino's little-known third installment to his hit Kill Bill movies: Maim Ted This time, the Bride travels to a nondescript american suburb to open up a can on Bill's most excellent time-travelling partner in crime Ted, for allowing his former co-star Keanu Reeves (who in reality is a botoxed-up David Carradine) to live and go on to ruin the Matrix movies.

Non-Event Horizon

2004-04-16T18:45:00.000-05:00

A peculiar thought: Email is a fairly dependable way of communicating with fellow human beings, however, as with all systems, it is not perfect. In just ten short years, more emails have missed their mark and gone shooting at close to the speed of light into the electronic Ether than probably all humans born in history. Where exactly this Ether is, we do not know, but it has to be around here

Taxatives

2004-04-15T14:27:00.000-05:00

"Today is Tax Day" I sang in a jaunty rhumba, as a I chickenscraught* hefty jolly zero's on Lines 2, 3, 8, and especially 12 (jealous?). It was after I had signed with a flourish, and my bank account number had been triply checked for the direct deposit of my "shit that's a lot of cash"-sized refund that I remembered something I'd hitherto forgotten. The IRS is my buddy. That's right, the same

Mostly Bloody Arrogant, they are

2004-04-14T14:35:00.000-05:00

As a business major, and having worked with numerous incompetent MBA's in positions of authority over me, I concur with (but am mindful not to embody) the stereotype of our esteemed area of study. This article gives me hope that perhaps things might change. You know, before the oil runs out, society implodes, and we regress to the Dark Ages.

A little from column A, a little from column B

2004-04-08T14:24:00.000-05:00

If those who like to cycle are cylists, are NASCAR drivers racists?

2004-04-07T16:19:00.000-05:00

While walking to work yesterday, I came across some interesting graffiti. "Orwell was right", it proclaimed loudly in the artist's angular magic marker scrawl. I paused to consider the state of affairs we are in right now, and concluded that he really was, as well as a downright great storyteller with a flair for incisive satire of big government. Then I wondered how many people would

Other People's Words Where My Brain Should Be

2004-04-07T11:58:00.000-05:00

"If I were to die tomorrow, I'd be cool with it, because for 23 years, I was invincible" ~ D

2004-04-06T15:31:00.000-05:00

Something to consider: "Time consists of past, present and future. Even though we have records of the past, and memories of certain events that have taken place, it can no longer be considered to exist. The future, on the other hand, has yet to unfold, and therefore does not exist either. This leaves the present, which is defined as the dividing line between the past and the future. Surely the '

Born to Run

2004-04-05T14:54:00.000-05:00

Boy meets boy. Boy likes blasting Springsteen at 3am, throwing parents' money, ego around, hollering; finds out other boy likes same. Boys hook up, incorporate anal penetration into Springsteen proceedings loudly and regularly over past three weeks. Wake Englishman up last night, yet again; Englishman pissed, calls cops. Cops come, tell boys to shut fuck up. Also tell Boy he's been in jail

Cinnamon Ring

2004-04-02T17:10:00.000-05:00

This is the breakup letter we all wish we could've written to that certain ex. It's much more effective than a crumpled sheet with chickenscratch that says "Fuk u, hore", don't you think?

2004-04-01T16:18:00.000-05:00

You're standing in the kitchen, cutting up tomatoes for dinner. The kids are watching cartoons after school, and you can hear their gleeful yips of joy as Yu-Gi-Oh triumphs yet again over. . .whoever. Out of nowhere: "They have to die" You jump - "Who's there?" you whisper fearfully, dismissing where you think it came from. You look around the corner to check the kids are okay - they're fine,

Up-brown Girl

2004-03-31T15:19:00.000-05:00

You may have already met my gay neighbor, Eric. You may also be wondering why I would point out right off the bat that he is gay. Quell your worries, it doesn't bother me that he likes to be penetrated by another man, not at all. Ordinarily, I'd gladly help*. I take issue with the fact that he likes to warble Billy Joel songs at the top of his adolescent frat-boy lungs, and then be loudly and

Going once, going twice. . .

2004-03-29T17:44:00.000-05:00

Navigating the treacherous waters known as 'Ebay dot com' is a subtle and refined art. Thus, who better to guide you through than The Englishman? Allow me to educate you on the finer points of a sadly flourishing pasttime: - The number of exclamation marks is inversely proportional to the trustworthiness of the seller. Example - "HOT NEW **MINT** CONDITION XBOXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-03-26T13:15:00.000-05:00

If you hadn't guessed it before, I'm an amateur comedian. Amateur, because I'm still perfecting that one flawless joke that makes someone laugh so hard their wallet spontaneously opens up and pours cash into my awaiting palms. Any day now. . . Anyways, I say this because I like to think I have a pretty good sense of humor. The advantage of being an Englishman in the New World is that I

"Corporate Accounts Payable, Mina speaking. . .JUST a moment!"

2004-03-25T11:57:00.000-05:00

It was summer 2002, and I needed the amorphous something that I was told by my college career councellors was prerequisite to prevent my life being summed up as a several hundred thousand dollar failure that ends with me tugging off travelling businessmen in public restrooms at $5 a pop (literally) to feed my various addictions. I needed work experience, and bad - my resume read like a prank,

2004-03-24T11:32:00.000-05:00

If Necessity is the Mother of Invention, Skull-crushing Boredom must be its' unwanted, red-headed stepchild. . .

2004-03-23T18:17:00.000-05:00

Here's a cheery article to warm the cockles. And here's a brief recap of my thoughts on this issue. I'll cut the shit. Gas prices are at an all-time high. The causes? I quote: ". . .chronically low inventories." amongst other things. Another low-light of this article: "Energy Information Administration chief Guy Caruso said at an oil industry meeting in San Antonio on Monday that he was "really

The Virgin Suicides

2004-03-23T15:21:00.000-05:00

18 year-old lesbian sells her virginity on eBay to the highest bidder. He turns out to be a 44 year old BT engineer/weirdo, then she bleats about how horrible it was to the news. Am I evil for not feeling a shred of sympathy? Better question: Am I evil for being that engineer? Best question: How about if I put the video I made of it on Kazaa? What an idiot. To paraphrase one of my favorite

Boy, fetch me mah Learnin' Stick!

2004-03-23T12:22:00.000-05:00

The miracle of a Coca-Cola lunch, I found out today, is that it comes out of you exac- fuck when am I going to learn? How 'bout now?

Classic

2004-03-23T10:37:00.000-05:00

The miracle of a Coca Cola breakfast, I found out today, is that it comes out of you exactly the way it goes in: Liquid, brown. . . . . .and mmmmm, sweet. Wanna make out?

Banal-ogies

2004-03-22T14:30:00.000-05:00

The day before my wedding, my Dad took me to one side for 'The Talk'. You know, the one where he imparts all his marriage advice while holding back the tears of pride. "Son, a marriage is like a pair of dolphins, swimming together", he began. When my expression registered befuddlement, he switched analogies on me. "Rather, it's like the two of you are in a rowing boat - if you can't learn to

Eating Britney Spears

2004-03-21T13:38:00.000-05:00

There was (is?) a band called Pop Will Eat Itself, I think they're british. They did a phenomenally great song with the Prodigy back in the day, called "Their Law", which is how my path and theirs came to intersect, me being a big fan of the 'Prodge. But that's besides the point. When I first heard their name, I was struck by how cool it was, but didn't really get far into thinking about it -

2004-03-21T13:36:00.000-05:00

"I wonder what doing your taxes in Holland is like", she said. "It's probably like rape." she concluded.

2004-03-20T23:40:00.000-05:00

I frequently dream of heroes. Of being them, of seeing them, of knowing that they exist. They live a life of watchfulness, like shepherds, over the flock that we've become. We don't know that they're there. The papers never print stories about their work; the countless disasters that are averted, the foiled plans and captives lifted from the clutches of those who would do them harm. They

I will scrape and hurt you

2004-03-19T12:45:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Drin for reminding me how fucking hilarious the Framley Examiner is. Cover me in pecker snot. I will sting your nadbag.

Surgical Strikes

2004-03-18T11:10:00.000-05:00

M is from the Midwest, and one of the things I find fascinating about her and her people is their ability to cut through the bullshit with an amazing economy of words. Usually my bullshit. She usually cuts through my bullshit with an amazing economy of words. I picture her in my mind as a towering authoritarian figure to whom I am meekly presenting a thesis, timdly laying out pages of

The art of misdirection

2004-03-17T21:05:00.000-05:00

Da Drinman: Dude Da Drinman: [referring to a report on money.cnn.com about optimism concerning the levelling off of gas prices from record highs] I love how the media portrays this shit Da Drinman: "Everything's fine! Everything's fine! Everything's fine!" Boom. We're dead.

The Running Man is not fiction - it was a prediction

2004-03-17T11:06:00.000-05:00

Can you hear me down there? I know, this high horse is very tall isn't it? Well I can explain. They lulled me, you see. I thought reality TV couldn't shock me any more. I was wrong. The Swan is coming. 'Ugly' women will undergo drastic plastic surgery while the slavering millions watch in sweaty anticipation - with each round of healing, they will be voted (or should I say cast) off, unfit for

You are hated by 566,403 people in your network

2004-03-17T10:42:00.000-05:00

A lightbulb moment on the train today. Where is the Anti-Friendster? We could call it "Hatester". . .or better yet, "Fiendster". Imagine it - collect together a network of people you hate, and find new people to hate through them! Find out exactly how many degrees you're removed from the loudmouthed fuck sitting behind you talking at excessive volume on his cellphone about the hot chick he's

2004-03-15T18:14:00.000-05:00

Weather.com - Helping you make conversation with total strangers since 1999.

Super Conversation With Your Neighbor Over Coffee 3

2004-03-15T13:45:00.000-05:00

I have played vidogames since I was around 7 years old - I just couldn't get enough of them. It was the escapism, and the ability to do impossible things that held the appeal for me, and to some extent, still does. One minute I could be blasting my way through an armada of enemy spaceships, and the next (with a deft flick of the wrist, and slap on the cartridge), I would be leading the pack in

2004-03-15T11:24:00.000-05:00

The phone company IDT has recently taken out a full back-page spread on the local newspaper for an advertisement that screams "YOU'RE FIRED!!" in giant text with a lurid yellow background. Ordinarily this bothers me no more than most other examples of inane advertising, but I started to get a bit freaked out this morning when I was surrounded by them on a crowded rush-hour train and I was a

2004-03-12T17:50:00.000-05:00

Comedy is about juxtapositioning objects and situations that do not normally go together. Example: porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn CHICKEN!

2004-03-12T12:54:00.000-05:00

Long ago, the Internet replaced TV for me. At last, I could choose what I wanted watch, when I wanted. Yet there are some days when my brain-thirst for new media, fresh information, and stimulating input (ooh, pardon!) continues, unsatiated. These days are happening more often. Like today. 3,947,502,749,572,394,738,211,194,730,239,457 websites out there, and there's nothing on. . . I wonder

"Thank God", breathed Crusoe. "It's Friday"

2004-03-11T17:18:00.000-05:00

After 5 years of dealings with the INS, I view our relationship as a castaway on a desert island views the sea. I am surrounded on all sides by it as far as the eye can see. Our interactions consist of me sending out little messages in a bottle, and occasionally, after months of waiting with no word or confirmation of receipt, they reply with bits of floating detritus with which I might build a

2004-03-10T16:43:00.000-05:00

Star Wars Paper Models! Must resist. . . geeking . . . OUT!

Greeks bearing gifts

2004-03-10T12:45:00.000-05:00

One of the stranger things I've encountered here throughout my travels is the yawning gap between the hospitality shown me by individuals, and the way I've been treated by entities that profess to act on behalf of the people of this country. In my first year of college, I had no less than three people offer to take my hand in holy matrimony for the sole purpose of getting me a green card. I

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Take $200, Go Directly To Jail

2004-03-10T12:26:00.000-05:00

GA woman tries to use fake $1mil bill at Wal-mart. . . *sigh* Ignoring the fact that this woman is clearly not in possession of a million dollars, how did she expect the cashier to give her change??

2004-03-09T11:17:00.000-05:00

Every morning, as my train pulls out of the underground station on my way to work, I catch a glimpse of a spiked iron railing a few feet long, upon which are impaled several Dunkin Donuts coffee cups, presumably put there by the drivers as they wait for the lights to change. My bleary eyes just register a lurid flash of white, pink and orange, briefly illuminated by the train's lights, before

SWF Seeks MBF WLTM GSOH WTF??

2004-03-08T20:47:00.000-05:00

I pissed myself when I read these personals.

2004-03-08T16:50:00.000-05:00

One of the more interesting topics of conversation that came out of KFC and 40oz night: America and the push for global equality. It went something like this. Most Americans, when asked, say they would like the world to come together, and exist in equality with each other. Drinman decided to relate to me a little story to put this in a little perspective. His first college roommate when he

"Sign here, here, here. . .here, and inside my ass cheek"

2004-03-08T12:24:00.000-05:00

So what's this about an amnesty for illegal immigrants proposed by Bush? I think he should take a look at the process for (attempted) legal ones. Here is a short excerpt from the one I had to fill out recently: Section 5h1ts 4nD G1ggl35: *Name (Family Name) (Given Name) (Middle Initial) *Address at which you live (Street and Number) (Town/City) (Zip Code) (Country) *Address at which you

2004-03-06T17:51:00.000-05:00

Hilarious things M has said to me while drunk: - "All I need in the Back Bay is a bubble and a Ride" - "My vowels cost me 200 dollars!" - "Guess what? Tyler wants salmon, and Julie wants chicken!" - "I am the intergalactic overlord. Bring me chick peas and your children" One of these is fake.

2004-03-05T12:14:00.000-05:00

I've been stabbed by a javelin that had just orbited the Earth. I've been a backup singer/dancer in a 1950's commercial for that wonderful lovechild of kitchen utensils, the Spork. I've eaten a chocolate baby. Been an expert in sushi. Recited the original version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears in which Goldilocks compares her spleen to a bagel with no cream cheese. I've been Gollum. I've been

Please do not feed the foreigners

2004-03-05T12:03:00.000-05:00

Tonight, my friends and I will celebrate our decadence by dressing in hoodies and sweatpants, driving to the local purveyor of fried chicken (I believe the owner is a military man), and, once established with our meals, we will wash them down with 40 ounces of the finest malt liquor $2.41 can buy. And in honor of the whizz-bang interactive digital world we live in, I am giving YOU, my readers,

The McMegaWatt

2004-03-04T10:33:00.000-05:00

More on Helium-3 - a bargain at only $3 billion per tonne! Now if we can just find a multi-national corporation that's willing to strip-mine the shit out of the Moon, we've got another 100 years of prosperity to look forward to. Hey, let the kids worry about what comes after - it's not my problem. Today's (Latest) Mood: 21st Century self-loathing

Put on a happy face!

2004-03-04T10:08:00.000-05:00

Then again, we might just figure out how to continue driving idiot SUV's, making shit gadgets that we don't need, and feeding each other meat that makes us sick, all at a humongous profit. Amen. Today's Mood: Apocalyptic cynicism.

Freak oil

2004-03-04T09:49:00.000-05:00

Have any of you ever heard of the term 'Peak Oil'? I hadn't until yesterday. It basically means that civilization crashes, and humanity self-destructs. Billions will die. You're goddamn right the revolution will not be televised - the fucking TV's will not work.

Employee of the Weak

2004-03-03T10:29:00.000-05:00

Coming out with breakfast in my hand, I confidently stiff-armed the door out of my way and stepped onto the street. But with a quick glance behind me, I saw that the door had swung back with a vengeance into an old lady with white hair who was having a bit of a struggle managing her coffee and multiple attacks from the rabid swinging door at the same time. Needless to say I immediately

Jeenie-yus

2004-03-02T17:31:00.000-05:00

This picture made me laugh. A lot.

Smile for me, Mona

2004-03-02T14:28:00.000-05:00

Belle put up a great post a little while back, in which she reminisced about past loves, lovers and, erm, loving in her own inimitable style. I think the thing that struck me about it was the way she referred to these memories as 'sketches' of people, because in my mind, that's exactly what they are, and that's when you know that you really know someone. They're little snatches and snippets of

2004-03-02T14:12:00.000-05:00

"If a man says something in the woods, and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?" ~ Anon.

2004-03-02T10:34:00.000-05:00

I woke up late for work, left late for work, missed a train, and waited 20 minutes for another one which came and expressed straight past my stop, despite it being completely empty and my stop being crowded with people. I then walked to a different line, missed another train going to the station I was heading for, and hiked through a giant field, discovering halfway through that the melting ice

40oz's of Steel Reserve and The Colonel's Secret Recipe

2004-03-01T17:38:00.000-05:00

. . .And Friday's festivities are set: The quintessential American duet of beer and fried chicken. Kids, if you're good, I might post a picture of the chicken. . .

The pain. . .THE PAIN!@#

2004-03-01T15:01:00.000-05:00

Please give me a pill or a bullet. . .either, both, NOW!

2004-03-01T12:46:00.000-05:00

So that's it. I'm officially married now - I know I was before, but now, even the honeymoon is over. So could everyone please not be talking to me in the 'goo-goo, oooh you just got married' voice any more? Please?

Because my arms hurt, and you're standing up

2004-03-01T12:38:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's true - my arms are killing me today, the near-aborted lovechild of my terrible state of fitness and my gung-ho-ness in the gym at the spa resort I went to on my honey(hiney?)moon. A friend of mine has an excellent little quip prominently displayed in his room: "Pain is weakness leaving the body". If this is true, I expect to be benching your fat-ass mama by the end of the week. Just

Get away, you filthy urchin, lest my cane find your crap-smeared buttocks!

2004-02-26T17:06:00.000-05:00

Part 2: Things I Don't Miss About England - "What football team d'you support" - [insert instant stereotype of you here] - "Did you watch the game last night?" - yes = see # 1, no = "Wot, are you a poof or summink?" - The tabloids - why won't they stop hounding me? - The teeth. Specifically, my teeth. - My school cliques (yes, we had the whole "Popular slut dates sports team captain" thing

Oooh, he's a spiky little immigrant isn't he?

2004-02-26T16:47:00.000-05:00

And now it's time for the obligatory Foreigner's Rant Because I'm Cranky And Want To Leave Work Early. Things I miss about England: - The Office - Ricky Gervais, why did we ever part? - Acceptance of alcohol consumption at lunchtime (it's a professional networking skill!) - Have I Got News For You? - Because Jon Stewart will never live up to the drier than dry wit of Angus Deighton (someone

I'll be the sweetest 5 minutes you've ever had

2004-02-25T15:29:00.000-05:00

So yes, after a short hiatus, accompanied by an equally-brief flirtation with life as a fictitious writer, I have returned, married, exhausted and smiling. Marriage always seems to be a constant source of angst and worry for many people (especially these people), but in my experience, so far, so good. Contrary to public opinion (and who fucking asked them anyways?), M hasn't adopted a

2004-02-24T16:50:00.000-05:00

And for those who thought he might not be crazy: "I woke up today from a dream about Bob Dylan. He was flying in the air with the aid of a short stick and he emptied his pockets of large pieces of shit." ~ BA

2004-02-24T16:31:00.000-05:00

"I have tried to write the fragments of a comic story about a boy who decides to observe himself, distinctly grading and catergorising his moods and dispositions and tabulating them on graphs and charts in order that - when he is asked how he is - he can simply spread out the sheets and point to the oscillating graphs like a periodic table. It is an ironic phatic question of course; not in some

Do you?

2004-02-24T16:02:00.000-05:00

She was radiant - a flowing white dress, and holding the deepest red roses I'd ever seen. Tradition, and the gentle lilt of Pachabel, were thrown to the wind; we locked eyes from opposite ends of the aisle, and she came to meet me in a barely-suppressed run. Her mother tried but ultimately failed to keep up. When matter is dense enough, it folds in on itself, warping the fabric of reality around