An Englishman in New England

An Englishman in New England

Work like no-one's watching, dance like you don't need the money, and hurt like you've never been loved.

All About The Englishman


Be informed
Be entertained
Be perverted
Confess, sinner
Things fall apart. The center cannot hold.
Change your perceptions. They're lame.
I have a dream.
I am Jack's imaginary friend
Don't think. Just Grow.
For all your multimedia needs
Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles
Filthy Lies
Hey! You make me throw up a little!
The Framley Examiner Personals
From the creator of 'Grow'
Fura Neko games!
This man is everything I hope to be, artistically
Tokyo Plastic 2.0h!

I love free speech. Talk to me.


December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
December 2004
March 2005


Belle De Jour
C h a p e l . P e r i l o u s
Another Girl, Another Planet
Robber Rabbit

currently. . .

[Playing] Oh, holy Halo 2, Xbox
[Reading] War of the Worlds
[Songs of the Moment] Freelove Freeway, Ricky Gervais/David Brent & Noel Gallagher (The Office), Let Me Love You, Mario
[Movie(s) of the Moment] Before Sunset

highlight reel

Pussy Perspectives
The Laid List
Liquored Up and Lookin' Fer Pussy
Orphan Rampage
The Office and David Carradine
Urkel's Calling
A Wee Turtle's Head
Non-Event Horizon
The Illusion of Time
Born To Run
Bush Humor
Fiendster: The Anti-Friendster
Crusoe and the INS
Peak Oil
Smile for me, Mona
Spin the bullet bachelor party
Spin the bullet part II
Heaven and Home
Heal the world

Atom Feed me, Seymour

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Monday, June 7

10 Things I Do When I'm Trying To Get Laid

A heads-up for any would-be additions to The Englishman's harem:

1. Tidy up: Apparently, nothing kills the female libido faster than my scraggy withered underwear lying in a heap within line of sight.

2. Tidy up more: Because being in possession of a penis and the ability to really clean are as mutually exclusive as an asshole and an elbow (it's either one or the other).

3. Pluck my eyebrows: How much hot sex action did Bert and his monobrow score in Sesame Street's entire broadcasting run? Big fat fucking zero.

4. Shower: And how much action happens when I'm dripping with man-stink? See above.

5. Shave: Interesting fact, this. Women like to keep their faces. So when you scrape the flesh away from their skulls with your diamond hard 5 o'clock shadow, they tend not to come back for a repeat performance. Which is funny when you think about it, because you'd probably not want to make out with a girl who has a bloody skeleton-face anyways.

6. Brush teeth: This one's always a giveaway. Being english, I'm accustomed to the civilised brushing of one's choppers once a day, not like over here with their "Oh my god, you're going to get hillbilly teeth" twice-a-day routine. Thus, when I embark upon a nightly brush, my better half knows I'm preparing to pounce. Often, all I have to do is start the water running, only to hear her call out "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache". At which point I feign a hurt kind of ignorance, and then try it on anyway, in case she was bluffing, or her headache was miraculously cured by, you know, nothing.

7. Clip nails: Edward Scissorhands was a virgin.

8. Light candles: Mmmmmm, burning animal fat, string and plant juice. . .sexy

9. Get comfortable: Oooh, this is really nice, this. I'm feeling warm, fuzzy and all relaxed, like.

10. Try not to. . .fall. . .aslee*snore*