An Englishman in New England

A heads-up for any would-be additions to The Englishman's harem:

1. Tidy up: Apparently, nothing kills the female libido faster than my scraggy withered underwear lying in a heap within line of sight.

2. Tidy up more: Because being in possession of a penis and the ability to really clean are as mutually exclusive as an asshole and an elbow (it's either one or the other).

3. Pluck my eyebrows: How much hot sex action did Bert and his monobrow score in Sesame Street's entire broadcasting run? Big fat fucking zero.

4. Shower: And how much action happens when I'm dripping with man-stink? See above.

5. Shave: Interesting fact, this. Women like to keep their faces. So when you scrape the flesh away from their skulls with your diamond hard 5 o'clock shadow, they tend not to come back for a repeat performance. Which is funny when you think about it, because you'd probably not want to make out with a girl who has a bloody skeleton-face anyways.

6. Brush teeth: This one's always a giveaway. Being english, I'm accustomed to the civilised brushing of one's choppers once a day, not like over here with their "Oh my god, you're going to get hillbilly teeth" twice-a-day routine. Thus, when I embark upon a nightly brush, my better half knows I'm preparing to pounce. Often, all I have to do is start the water running, only to hear her call out "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache". At which point I feign a hurt kind of ignorance, and then try it on anyway, in case she was bluffing, or her headache was miraculously cured by, you know, nothing.

7. Clip nails: Edward Scissorhands was a virgin.

8. Light candles: Mmmmmm, burning animal fat, string and plant juice. . .sexy

9. Get comfortable: Oooh, this is really nice, this. I'm feeling warm, fuzzy and all relaxed, like.

10. Try not to. . .fall. . .aslee*snore*