An Englishman in New England

An Englishman in New England

Work like no-one's watching, dance like you don't need the money, and hurt like you've never been loved.

All About The Englishman


Be informed
Be entertained
Be perverted
Confess, sinner
Things fall apart. The center cannot hold.
Change your perceptions. They're lame.
I have a dream.
I am Jack's imaginary friend
Don't think. Just Grow.
For all your multimedia needs
Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles
Filthy Lies
Hey! You make me throw up a little!
The Framley Examiner Personals
From the creator of 'Grow'
Fura Neko games!
This man is everything I hope to be, artistically
Tokyo Plastic 2.0h!

I love free speech. Talk to me.


December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
December 2004
March 2005


Belle De Jour
C h a p e l . P e r i l o u s
Another Girl, Another Planet
Robber Rabbit

currently. . .

[Playing] Oh, holy Halo 2, Xbox
[Reading] War of the Worlds
[Songs of the Moment] Freelove Freeway, Ricky Gervais/David Brent & Noel Gallagher (The Office), Let Me Love You, Mario
[Movie(s) of the Moment] Before Sunset

highlight reel

Pussy Perspectives
The Laid List
Liquored Up and Lookin' Fer Pussy
Orphan Rampage
The Office and David Carradine
Urkel's Calling
A Wee Turtle's Head
Non-Event Horizon
The Illusion of Time
Born To Run
Bush Humor
Fiendster: The Anti-Friendster
Crusoe and the INS
Peak Oil
Smile for me, Mona
Spin the bullet bachelor party
Spin the bullet part II
Heaven and Home
Heal the world

Atom Feed me, Seymour

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Friday, July 30

Good Vibrations

Dear Verizon

Can you hear me now? Good!

A word, if you please. Actually several hundred. You see, my litte phone thingy isn't quite up to snuff. Sure, it's got the nice color screen, the sleek, slim, silvery, thou-art-coveting-thy-neighbor's-wifey design. It has the polyphonic ringtones, the text-messaging, the nationwide coverage. It is almost complete.

There's a word. Almost.

For you see, I like to actually answer my calls when they come, yet be discreet about notification of said calls. I call your attention to the absolutely pathetic vibration function of my covetous-wifey phone. Verizon, you should be ashamed of yourselves - the lethargic vibing of this otherwise-perfect phone unit would barely get a small animal off. I doubt its subtle tremors would inspire even the slightest erection in a hamster, and the runt of the litter at that. Admittedly, animals' sexual response isn't quite the function for which it was intended, but for God's sake show a little ingenuity, this is the age of multi-function personal devices after all.

I want stronger vibration - I am unashamed. I want to be thrown out of my seat. I want an earthquake in my pocket. I want my vibration function so strong that fellow train passengers think that an angry wild boar is battling to escape my pants every time I recieve a call. This way, I would never miss another call. How am I supposed to be notified otherwise?

So please, big V (I know you like it when I call you that), gimme some good vibes before I resort to drastic methods. Like putting a wild boar in my pants. Think of the children!


An Englishman