An Englishman in New England

There are precisely 1,138 government-subsidized benefits extended to people who are married. Here are a few I think should be added to make it a nice, round 1,147, and to promote harmony and sanity in an endeavour which can, at times, be anything but: 

 ~ The option to engage in a pistol-duel at dawn to settle marital disputes - You know she's quick on the draw, and has a deadly aim. . .do you really want to argue over who does the dishes?

 ~ Free medical aid for couples who engage in a pistol-duel at dawn to settle marital disputes

 ~ Free strip-club visits for him when she's pissing him off. . .
 
 ~ Free strip-club visits for her when he's pissing her off. . .
 
 ~ . . .and a nice little government subsidy to take the financial edge off the 'Champagne Room' in both cases. . .
 
 ~ If marriage is so important to the government, they should pay for the catering. Cake-cutting fee, my married ass.
 
 ~ Men should be able to charge emergency "I'm sorry" bouquets to a federal account - because when we need them, we really need them.
 
 ~ A 6-man security detail to ensure my wife never ever finds herself alone in a room with Taye Diggs.
  
 ~ A 12-man security detail to ensure my wife never ever finds me alone in a room with Mary McCormack (better known by her stage-name "The Mom from Dickie Roberts"). This does not preclude me from finding myself alone with her*.

*What? I gave her the stripclub, and I'm the one writing the list - deal.