An Englishman in New England
Work like no-one's watching, dance like you don't need the money, and hurt like you've never been loved.
All About The Englishman
Things fall apart. The center cannot hold.
Change your perceptions. They're lame.
I have a dream.
I am Jack's imaginary friend
Don't think. Just Grow.
For all your multimedia needs
Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles
Hey! You make me throw up a little!
The Framley Examiner Personals
From the creator of 'Grow'
Fura Neko games!
This man is everything I hope to be, artistically
Tokyo Plastic 2.0h!
I love free speech. Talk to me.
Belle De Jour
C h a p e l . P e r i l o u s
Another Girl, Another Planet
currently. . .[Playing] Oh, holy Halo 2, Xbox
[Reading] War of the Worlds
[Songs of the Moment] Freelove Freeway, Ricky Gervais/David Brent & Noel Gallagher (The Office), Let Me Love You, Mario
[Movie(s) of the Moment] Before Sunset
highlight reelPussy Perspectives
The Laid List
Liquored Up and Lookin' Fer Pussy
The Office and David Carradine
A Wee Turtle's Head
The Illusion of Time
Born To Run
Fiendster: The Anti-Friendster
Crusoe and the INS
Smile for me, Mona
Spin the bullet bachelor party
Spin the bullet part II
Heaven and Home
Heal the world
Atom Feed me, Seymour
~ Powered By ~
You may have already met my gay neighbor, Eric. You may also be wondering why I would point out right off the bat that he is gay. Quell your worries, it doesn't bother me that he likes to be penetrated by another man, not at all. Ordinarily, I'd gladly help*.
Monday, March 29
Going once, going twice. . .
Navigating the treacherous waters known as 'Ebay dot com' is a subtle and refined art. Thus, who better to guide you through than The Englishman? Allow me to educate you on the finer points of a sadly flourishing pasttime:
Friday, March 26
If you hadn't guessed it before, I'm an amateur comedian. Amateur, because I'm still perfecting that one flawless joke that makes someone laugh so hard their wallet spontaneously opens up and pours cash into my awaiting palms. Any day now. . .
Thursday, March 25
"Corporate Accounts Payable, Mina speaking. . .JUST a moment!"
It was summer 2002, and I needed the amorphous something that I was told by my college career councellors was prerequisite to prevent my life being summed up as a several hundred thousand dollar failure that ends with me tugging off travelling businessmen in public restrooms at $5 a pop (literally) to feed my various addictions.
Wednesday, March 24
If Necessity is the Mother of Invention, Skull-crushing Boredom must be its' unwanted, red-headed stepchild. . .
Tuesday, March 23
Here's a cheery article to warm the cockles. And here's a brief recap of my thoughts on this issue.
The Virgin Suicides
18 year-old lesbian sells her virginity on eBay to the highest bidder. He turns out to be a 44 year old BT engineer/weirdo, then she bleats about how horrible it was to the news.
Boy, fetch me mah Learnin' Stick!
The miracle of a Coca-Cola lunch, I found out today, is that it comes out of you exac- fuck when am I going to learn?
The miracle of a Coca Cola breakfast, I found out today, is that it comes out of you exactly the way it goes in: Liquid, brown. . .
Monday, March 22
The day before my wedding, my Dad took me to one side for 'The Talk'. You know, the one where he imparts all his marriage advice while holding back the tears of pride.
Sunday, March 21
Eating Britney Spears
There was (is?) a band called Pop Will Eat Itself, I think they're british. They did a phenomenally great song with the Prodigy back in the day, called "Their Law", which is how my path and theirs came to intersect, me being a big fan of the 'Prodge. But that's besides the point.
"I wonder what doing your taxes in Holland is like", she said. "It's probably like rape." she concluded.
Saturday, March 20
I frequently dream of heroes.
Friday, March 19
I will scrape and hurt you
Thanks to Drin for reminding me how fucking hilarious the Framley Examiner is.
Thursday, March 18
M is from the Midwest, and one of the things I find fascinating about her and her people is their ability to cut through the bullshit with an amazing economy of words.
Wednesday, March 17
The art of misdirection
Da Drinman: Dude
The Running Man is not fiction - it was a prediction
Can you hear me down there? I know, this high horse is very tall isn't it? Well I can explain. They lulled me, you see. I thought reality TV couldn't shock me any more. I was wrong.
You are hated by 566,403 people in your network
A lightbulb moment on the train today.
Monday, March 15
Super Conversation With Your Neighbor Over Coffee 3
I have played vidogames since I was around 7 years old - I just couldn't get enough of them. It was the escapism, and the ability to do impossible things that held the appeal for me, and to some extent, still does. One minute I could be blasting my way through an armada of enemy spaceships, and the next (with a deft flick of the wrist, and slap on the cartridge), I would be leading the pack in the Monaco Grand Prix with Nigel Mansell and Mario Andretti shaking their fists in anger at this young upstart who came out of nowhere and showed them up as chumps with my superbly tight cornering.
The phone company IDT has recently taken out a full back-page spread on the local newspaper for an advertisement that screams "YOU'RE FIRED!!" in giant text with a lurid yellow background.
Friday, March 12
Comedy is about juxtapositioning objects and situations that do not normally go together. Example:
Long ago, the Internet replaced TV for me. At last, I could choose what I wanted watch, when I wanted.
Thursday, March 11
"Thank God", breathed Crusoe. "It's Friday"
After 5 years of dealings with the INS, I view our relationship as a castaway on a desert island views the sea. I am surrounded on all sides by it as far as the eye can see. Our interactions consist of me sending out little messages in a bottle, and occasionally, after months of waiting with no word or confirmation of receipt, they reply with bits of floating detritus with which I might build a fire to keep me warm for a little while, or some rope with which to repair my crumbling abode. Or, they send angry storms that flatten all I have built, forcing me to start from scratch and curse the gods that allow them to exist.
Wednesday, March 10
Star Wars Paper Models! Must resist. . . geeking . . . OUT!
Greeks bearing gifts
One of the stranger things I've encountered here throughout my travels is the yawning gap between the hospitality shown me by individuals, and the way I've been treated by entities that profess to act on behalf of the people of this country.
Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Take $200, Go Directly To Jail
GA woman tries to use fake $1mil bill at Wal-mart. . .
Tuesday, March 9
Every morning, as my train pulls out of the underground station on my way to work, I catch a glimpse of a spiked iron railing a few feet long, upon which are impaled several Dunkin Donuts coffee cups, presumably put there by the drivers as they wait for the lights to change. My bleary eyes just register a lurid flash of white, pink and orange, briefly illuminated by the train's lights, before they recede into the background behind myself and my fellow passengers. Noone else ever seems to watch them pass like I do, and I wonder if anyone else pays attention to what is going on while staring out into the blackness of the Underground.
Monday, March 8
SWF Seeks MBF WLTM GSOH WTF??
I pissed myself when I read these personals.
One of the more interesting topics of conversation that came out of KFC and 40oz night: America and the push for global equality.
"Sign here, here, here. . .here, and inside my ass cheek"
So what's this about an amnesty for illegal immigrants proposed by Bush? I think he should take a look at the process for (attempted) legal ones. Here is a short excerpt from the one I had to fill out recently:
Saturday, March 6
Hilarious things M has said to me while drunk:
Friday, March 5
I've been stabbed by a javelin that had just orbited the Earth.
Please do not feed the foreigners
Tonight, my friends and I will celebrate our decadence by dressing in hoodies and sweatpants, driving to the local purveyor of fried chicken (I believe the owner is a military man), and, once established with our meals, we will wash them down with 40 ounces of the finest malt liquor $2.41 can buy.
Thursday, March 4
More on Helium-3 - a bargain at only $3 billion per tonne! Now if we can just find a multi-national corporation that's willing to strip-mine the shit out of the Moon, we've got another 100 years of prosperity to look forward to. Hey, let the kids worry about what comes after - it's not my problem.
Put on a happy face!
Then again, we might just figure out how to continue driving idiot SUV's, making shit gadgets that we don't need, and feeding each other meat that makes us sick, all at a humongous profit. Amen.
Have any of you ever heard of the term 'Peak Oil'? I hadn't until yesterday. It basically means that civilization crashes, and humanity self-destructs. Billions will die.
Wednesday, March 3
Employee of the Weak
Coming out with breakfast in my hand, I confidently stiff-armed the door out of my way and stepped onto the street. But with a quick glance behind me, I saw that the door had swung back with a vengeance into an old lady with white hair who was having a bit of a struggle managing her coffee and multiple attacks from the rabid swinging door at the same time.
Tuesday, March 2
This picture made me laugh. A lot.
Smile for me, Mona
Belle put up a great post a little while back, in which she reminisced about past loves, lovers and, erm, loving in her own inimitable style. I think the thing that struck me about it was the way she referred to these memories as 'sketches' of people, because in my mind, that's exactly what they are, and that's when you know that you really know someone.
"If a man says something in the woods, and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?" ~ Anon.
I woke up late for work, left late for work, missed a train, and waited 20 minutes for another one which came and expressed straight past my stop, despite it being completely empty and my stop being crowded with people. I then walked to a different line, missed another train going to the station I was heading for, and hiked through a giant field, discovering halfway through that the melting ice had turned it into a sea of slush, which was rapidly coating the sides of my new shoes, while simultaneously hearing a third train pull into the station I was just waiting at.
Monday, March 1
40oz's of Steel Reserve and The Colonel's Secret Recipe
. . .And Friday's festivities are set: The quintessential American duet of beer and fried chicken.
So that's it. I'm officially married now - I know I was before, but now, even the honeymoon is over. So could everyone please not be talking to me in the 'goo-goo, oooh you just got married' voice any more? Please?
Because my arms hurt, and you're standing up
Yes, it's true - my arms are killing me today, the near-aborted lovechild of my terrible state of fitness and my gung-ho-ness in the gym at the spa resort I went to on my honey(hiney?)moon.