An Englishman in New England

Navigating the treacherous waters known as 'Ebay dot com' is a subtle and refined art. Thus, who better to guide you through than The Englishman? Allow me to educate you on the finer points of a sadly flourishing pasttime:

- The number of exclamation marks is inversely proportional to the trustworthiness of the seller. Example - "HOT NEW **MINT** CONDITION XBOXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ~ this person is obviously going to send you a Care Bears lunch box spray-painted black and filled with pebbles in return for your $200 stumped up in good faith. All caps is synonymous with trying to get you hot and sweaty about bidding on this cruel hoax.

- Once you include shipping in the price of your 'bargain', you are essentially paying the same amount as for a new version for the priviledge of sending your hard-earned cash out into the electronic ether and waiting wide-eyed and sleepless for a response.

- "NR", also known in the wild as "No Reserve" ~ a clear sign of darting-eyed, crack-addicted desperation - something anything will serve as adequate payment for this item. A rare glimpse of honesty into the actual value of the piece of human waste you're bidding on.

- "No scratches on CD/DVD/Game disc" ~ Will arrive looking like it was chained to the back of Dale Earnhardt's NASCAR (which, incidentally, is made out of five thousand angry cats sewn together) for a few hundred laps. Note the Georgia shipping address when what's left of it finally arrives in your sweaty, anticipatory hands.

- "You have been outbid by QTPa2TPrinCessGurl90210" ~ You have just lost your most prized bargain to a 14 year old girl who is richer than you. Loser.

- "Factory-Sealed" ~ "I had some saran-wrap left over from dinner".

- "Excellent condition" ~ Considering the holocaust it has just endured at my hands.

- "Shipping will take 5 days" ~ Which is more than I need to flee the country with your money and leave you with your thumb up your no-no hole.

- "Buy It Now" ~ Curse yourself later.

- "I accept PayPal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ~ Note the earlier equation regarding exclamation marks, and consider how life would be once this person gets their hands on your credit card information.

- "Power Seller" ~ Owns and sells more bits of human detritus than all the garage sales and swap-meets your parents ever dragged you kicking and screaming by the eyelids to. Or that weird old lady up the street who kept a lot of feral cats in her house.

- "98% positive feedback" ~ The remaining 2% were not able to be identified, as their dental records were mysteriously 'lost'.

Tune in next week when The Englishman goes over how to recruit the minds of the weak into your cult, using only reviews posted on Amazon.com!