An Englishman in New England

currently. . .

[Playing] Oh, holy Halo 2, Xbox
[Reading] War of the Worlds
[Songs of the Moment] Freelove Freeway, Ricky Gervais/David Brent & Noel Gallagher (The Office), Let Me Love You, Mario
[Movie(s) of the Moment] Before Sunset

highlight reel

Pussy Perspectives
The Laid List
Liquored Up and Lookin' Fer Pussy
Orphan Rampage
The Office and David Carradine
Urkel's Calling
A Wee Turtle's Head
Non-Event Horizon
Taxatives
The Illusion of Time
Born To Run
Bush Humor
Fiendster: The Anti-Friendster
Crusoe and the INS
Peak Oil
Smile for me, Mona
Spin the bullet bachelor party
Spin the bullet part II
Heaven and Home
Heal the world

Atom Feed me, Seymour

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Wednesday, December 31

Ways the world's major conflicts could be resolved:

1) Multiplayer Halo. Only one who can wield that ultimate weapon of mass destruction, the Master Chief, is fit to rule.

2) Rock, Paper, Scissors (best of three for them whiny loser countries - pay attention, France)

3) Hide and Seek in the UN Headquarters. "Home base" is Kofi Annan's office.

4) Lock up the opposing countries' leaders in a room. Tell them they have exactly 24 hours to figure out a compromise or they will be stabbed, and repeat with the next most senior officials. Show them the knife.

5) Create a 'Foreign Leader Exchange Program' between countries. Just how long do you think Bush could tolerate living as an Iraqi? Do you think Osama would be able to hate the Miller Lite girls? Allow Fox to do a reality series on this, hosted by Paris Hilton.

6) Repel an alien invasion. They hate all of us equally, and we all taste the same to them.

thus spake The Englishman at 2:03 PM
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Tuesday, December 30

M is back home after our obligatory separate Christmas with our families. I'm as happy as could be. . .

thus spake The Englishman at 5:03 PM
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Monday, December 29

I started out hating my boss at said job. He was a micromanaging pain in my anus. He was also the CEO's son, so it was always someone else's fault. He had the fancy Jaguar, the big salary, the buff body, and was generally the cock of the walk.

Then one day, I found out that he lived alone in a Holiday Inn, and desperately wanted to get married. It got kind of hard to do anything but pity him after that.

He was only 32.

thus spake The Englishman at 5:13 PM
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In my last job, I worked part-time as an inbound sales rep. I would sit there and answer the phone for anyone who had questions about this great new telephone plan in Maine. One woman I encountered was really excited about the cheap long-distance rates we offered.

"Ooh!", she crowed. "I'll be able to save so much money! I used to call a lot of people in outer space with my hands, you see."

I told her I understood, but to this day, I still don't.

. . .what, you thought this would be all about politics?

thus spake The Englishman at 5:07 PM
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. . .trust me on this guys. He won't. . .

thus spake The Englishman at 4:23 PM
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Would all the John Kerry supporters please raise their hands? Wow, there aren't many of you, are there? You guys know that he's not really going to win, right?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. . .right?

thus spake The Englishman at 4:21 PM
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Sunday, December 28

If I could vote, I'd pick Dean. I may not agree with all of his positions, but he has an 'A' rating from the NRA, and the NAACP. You've got to admire the relationship skills of a guy who managed to get the support of both the old, white, conservative, gun-toting crazies as well as the liberal, Sharpton-loving ethnic minorities. . .

I also like his bravery - everyone seems 100% convinced that Bin Laden did in the Twin Towers. What material proof do we have? Dean is to my knowledge the only candidate that's had the juevos to come out and acknowledge the possibility that ol' Osama wasn't behind this. Bravo, sir.

Too bad the Democrats don't have two cents to rub together compared to Bush's $150 million (and counting) war chest. . .

thus spake The Englishman at 4:27 PM
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There's something about immigration forms that make me feel like a criminal even when I've done nothing wrong - the way they read is as if to say "How dare you try to become one of us!". . .

It's like the ultimate weed-out course - You're A Dirty Immigrant 101.

thus spake The Englishman at 3:30 PM
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Saturday, December 27

The Recap Part 2.

This blogging thing is addictive.

I love the US, but I also like being the foreigner here. There is something to be said for experiencing this country with outside eyes. You notice things that are taken for granted, and miss things that are taken very seriously. Like American Idol.

And by 'miss', I mean 'ignore'.

I don't intend to go on and on about "America this" and "The US that" in this blog - being foreign is not predominantly on my mind, just as being American shouldn't be on yours. I believe we are all people first and foremost.

But try telling that to John Ashcroft. I hear they wear a very fetching shade of orange in Guantanamo Bay.

thus spake The Englishman at 10:46 PM
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The pleasure is all yours

Okay, enough vagaries - time for a recap. My name is . . .not important. As a kid, I used to wish I had a tough name like Mike or that guy Rock Hudson. Or Wolf Blitzer. But over time I came to like the original.

I'm English, not retarded, despite what stupid people liked to ask me in college. But then many of those people have since failed in life. I laugh about this to myself occasionally.

I lied. I laugh about this often.

I've been living in the Hub of New England for almost 5 years now, and I like it here a lot. Enough to call it home. Enough to allow the graceful death of my accent. Enough to integrate.

I have a wonderful wife, who will only be called M. She likes it here too, so I'm glad everything worked out, y'know, cos otherwise, we might have had to make a suicide pact, like those weird Heaven's Gate people. They were American.

Just kidding - I'd have killed her in her sleep. She would've done me in if she'd had the chance.

thus spake The Englishman at 10:33 PM
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Yesterday, while coming through customs, I was required to give an electronic print of both of my index fingers, as well as a retinal scan. I was incensed. I wonder, do people in America realise what their politicians do in their name? I felt like asking the customs officer if he'd also like to orally inspect my anus, you know, just to do a thorough job of it all, but I didn't want to have to buy another ticket home. . .

. . .that and the fact that there were people watching. It just wouldn't do to have strangers seeing my anus.

thus spake The Englishman at 10:24 PM
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you know you're in love with someone when you don't do the things they nag you about even in their absence. . .

thus spake The Englishman at 10:13 PM
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An Englishman in New England

Work like no-one's watching, dance like you don't need the money, and hurt like you've never been loved.

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The pleasure is all yours