An Englishman in New England

I'm one of those people that you hate during Flu season, when you have stomach cramps, and when you lose an arm. For some reason that I don't even pretend to understand, I'm in incredibly good shape.

I eat bacon fat, I drink 2% milk, I practically bathe in fat (go on, picture it); I don't exercise, nor have I done in the last 7-9 months, and I couldn't even spell the word 'Salad' until about a week ago. I drink, I smoke cigars, I play videogames for hours on end, and chances are, you're sicker than me. I suck, I know.

This is the roundabout preface to my first physical exam today in about 6 years. Of course, the doctor had to be a hot young woman. The length of time since my last personal appearance in an episode of ER had been long enough that I'd almost completely forgotten what it was like to have someone look at me as a problem that they had to fix (well, at least since the last time I orgasmed too early).

I think every guy worries about The Pause. You know, the one that happens when the doctor asks you (rather directly, as it turned out), to unbuckle your pants, then drop your underwear, promising to "only take a couple of sex". . . sorry, secs. . . the quintessential Guy worry is that as soon as aforementioned hot doctor reaches for your bitchstick, that a huge (wishful) boner will rise proudly in her hands, as if to say "You called?"

Now I don't know about the rest of you, but having had to sit there for almost a half hour by myself on the little hopital bed, while I was sure I could hear the receptionists giggling about me outside, kinda dampened my enthusiasm. When the time came, I was really more humilated as I stood there, feeling every excruciating millisecond of The Pause, before I reached for my belt buckle and thought stoic thoughts. Thankfully, I don't think I stirred for an instant under her calm, methodical manipulations.

She was rather unimpressed, I'm sorry to add, although I don't think I'd have felt much more comfortable if she'd stood up and said "Nice cock, donkey-boy", and blown me a kiss.

Now I know for sure I could never be a porn star.