An Englishman in New England

If you've ever watched the highly-acclaimed documentary "Bowling for Columbine", you could be forgiven for thinking as a foreigner that all Americans young and old have at some point in their lives been riddled with bullets and left for dead - that something like this is a common occurrence, and it's almost like a right of passage;

"Son, you're a man, now *BLAM BLAMMMA BLAMMA BLAM!*"

It's an interesting portrayal, if maybe a little shock-jockish, that of the macho, loud, uncaring and fast-talking yank twirling a sixgun with no safety catch, and laughing about how they "Bailed us out of World War II".

The reason I reference this is because this is kind of the picture I used to have of Americans before my steel bird's wheels kissed the airport tarmac a few years back. Fast forward in my memory banks a few weeks, and I made the mistake of sneezing for the first time on American soil - as it happened, I was in a college lecture hall containing close to 300 semi-comatose students.

In an instant, I was riddled and left for dead. Not with bullets, however, but with niceties: people I had never even met before as far away as the other side of the room actually turned their attention to me and said loudly "God bless you", "Gezundheit", and so on. I was fascinated by this - any fellow brit could confirm to you that were you to try such a stunt with a stranger who sneezed in London, or even continental Europe, people would think that you were a whore and this was your pickup line.

So there I was, with a tingly face and surrounded by close to 300 whores who thought I was their John for the next 45 minutes. I was as they say 'befuddled'.

I remember experiementing for several classes after that, and each time the result was the same - a simple 'Hah-choo!' earned me the acknowledgement of strangers near and far. I began including variations, such as multiple sneezes - there was one guy, (from the midwest, surprise surprise), who would bless me out loud without fail on each and every sneeze. I got him up to 5 mucousy bursts before he began thinking there might be something wrong with me.

I tried coughing later on, but people told me to shut the fuck up. . .