An Englishman in New England

An Englishman in New England

Work like no-one's watching, dance like you don't need the money, and hurt like you've never been loved.

All About The Englishman


Be informed
Be entertained
Be perverted
Confess, sinner
Things fall apart. The center cannot hold.
Change your perceptions. They're lame.
I have a dream.
I am Jack's imaginary friend
Don't think. Just Grow.
For all your multimedia needs
Rehabilitating Mr. Wiggles
Filthy Lies
Hey! You make me throw up a little!
The Framley Examiner Personals
From the creator of 'Grow'
Fura Neko games!
This man is everything I hope to be, artistically
Tokyo Plastic 2.0h!

I love free speech. Talk to me.


December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
December 2004
March 2005


Belle De Jour
C h a p e l . P e r i l o u s
Another Girl, Another Planet
Robber Rabbit

currently. . .

[Playing] Oh, holy Halo 2, Xbox
[Reading] War of the Worlds
[Songs of the Moment] Freelove Freeway, Ricky Gervais/David Brent & Noel Gallagher (The Office), Let Me Love You, Mario
[Movie(s) of the Moment] Before Sunset

highlight reel

Pussy Perspectives
The Laid List
Liquored Up and Lookin' Fer Pussy
Orphan Rampage
The Office and David Carradine
Urkel's Calling
A Wee Turtle's Head
Non-Event Horizon
The Illusion of Time
Born To Run
Bush Humor
Fiendster: The Anti-Friendster
Crusoe and the INS
Peak Oil
Smile for me, Mona
Spin the bullet bachelor party
Spin the bullet part II
Heaven and Home
Heal the world

Atom Feed me, Seymour

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Wednesday, April 21

Pass me the tourniquet, I need another hit

Dear Sega,

VX poison gas. DDT. The atomic bomb. Rosie O'Donell.

The history of mankind is littered with mistakes that we fervently wish we could take back. And yet even with the benefit of hindsight, we continue to repeat the sins of our fathers with a seemingly endless supply of innovation and God be damned if we're going to think of the consequences.

I am deeply disappointed that you, Sega, with all of your innovation in the past (a blue hedgehog in a pinball machine? Genius!) have fallen, lemming-like, into this glaringly obvious trap. I am talking of course, about what everyone is calling the New Crack. Don't play dumb with me. I am talking about Crazy Taxi 3: High Roller.

The CIA in collusion with the Columbian drug cartels has nothing on you guys, you purveyors of mind-controlling electronic. . .uh. . .substances. Shame on you! How, when you were shown the soulless, drooling, husks of the former beta testers for this product, could you see fit to release something so dangerously addictive, so psychedelically imbalanced, so insistent upon the repeated and emphatic use of the word 'Crazy' upon your fellow man?

You want examples? How about hitting a home run with a flaming yellow cab? How about leaping onto the roofs of San Francisco while carrying three penguins in the back of your car? How about cursing at the top of your lungs while trying to deliver your fare in record time, desperately weaving between the gutted, fiery wreckages of cars that are raining out of the sky after an encounter with a raging tornado? How about that? How will you explain to the next generation that YOU did this, when they look at the emaciated, warped and utterly fingerless 'hands' they have inherited from their parents?

I'd have been divorced by now if your damn creation wasn't so addictive that it sucked in M too. Poor M - I knew we'd hit the bottom when phrases like "The Crazy Hop is fun, but it'll be even better once I learn how to do the Crazy Drift and the Crazy Hop Boost!" began to encroach upon her voice of reason.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll even able to write these words - my mind keeps drifting in and out of the task at hand, as the sweet siren-song of the commentary ("Hop in, and let's make some kerrrr-azy money!" - surely voiced by Satan himself) lures my sanity closer to its foamy doom, wrecked upon the rocks of your shores. . .

Crazy Hop to a Double-Dash with a Brake Drift - gotta pick them up, gottapickthemupgot ta pickt hem uppickthemuppickthemup.


You know what you did, Sega. You know only you can make it right. The sooner you own up to the opening of this Pandora's Box, the sooner you can get on with making Crazy Taxi 4: All Your Base Are Belong To Us. We are waiting.


Crazy Cabbie #24356