An Englishman in New England

How rude of me not to introduce you all to my newest family member. I do apologise, and hope to make it up to you with an in-depth profile of someone I wait upon hand and foot, and whose shit and piss I clean up every day, yet am still fond of. Her. . .I'm fond of her, not her shit and piss.

AEINE: Penny, thanks so much for taking time out of your hefty schedule of licking your anus, and shedding fur directly onto my highly allergic, and usually morning-encrusted eyeballs while I sleep to answer my questions.

P: No problem, Biggest. Just know that I feel a hefty turd on the way, and unless you change that fucking litter before it comes, I'm putting it in your shoe. And not near the heel, either, I'm laying it directly in the toe; I so enjoy watching you dig around for it.

AEINE: Ah. . .duly noted. Now for my first question: How does *ahem* that taste?

P: Like ass, ass. Still it's better than that dried up pellet crap that you keep leaving for me to eat. Why not gimme some more of that chicken you snuck me under the table when the One With The Teats wasn't looking?

AEINE: I have no idea, um, what you're talking about. . .

P: Sure you don't. Coward.

AEINE: Next question - how do you spend your typical day? Both myself and my wife work all day, and we often wonder what you get up to while we're not there.

P: Well I usually start out with a good long scratch on those chairs that I get shrieked at for scratching on. With both of you away, I can usually get a hugely satisfying fabric ripping sound out of them without having to endure the shrieking and tantrum throwing.

AEINE: ah. . .ha ha ha, yes, my wife does have a high pitched voice, doesn't she?

P: I was talking about you, Biggest, you're usually the one shrieking like a One With Teats.

AEINE: *glances briefly at the camera*

P: So yeah, once I'm done with that, I usually find a flat place in the sun and have a nice nap.

AEINE: And what else do you do?

P: Well, then you come back, biggest.

AEINE: So that's it? You just sleep all day?

P: Well, you pretty much know the rest from there - you and Teats get back, stare at that big picture-thingy, then go to sleep. Sometimes you try to shut me out of the room, and I hear noises coming from there for about 20 minutes. What do you both do in there?

AEINE: I -ah, I'll be the one asking the questions, Penny. Ok, one final que-

P: *Gasp* You're both doing it, aren't you? How delightfully sinful - you animals. Does she like her hair pulled? I bet she does, she looks like the typ-

AEINE: Okay, interview over!

P: Have it your way, Biggest. Now, where are your shoes?